Try to Think Like a Child When Working on Divorce-Related Parenting Issues

Parents spend untold hours dealing with parenting issues during and after their divorce or separation. But often this effort has the wrong focus. Instead of looking at these issues only from their own perspective, parents should try approaching them from the children's perspective.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Parenting Time

I don't know why I can't see Daddy more. I know I spend the night with him two times a week, but each time is so short. It's not enough! By the time Daddy picks me up from daycare on Tuesday, I barely get time to spend with him before I have to do my homework. Then it's time to go to bed. He drops me off at school the next day and I don't see him again until Friday night for one more night. I feel like I spend more time saying good-bye to him than I do actually spending time with him. 

While working out a parenting time schedule, parents will pour over calendars, counting up days, hours, and even minutes in an effort to design a schedule they think is fair. They spend very little time, however, actually putting themselves in their children's shoes to see how the schedule might feel to them.

School Activities

I'm so excited about my concert next week at school. The choir is doing a whole program of patriotic songs and I'm singing a solo! I'm hoping everyone can be there - Mom, Daddy, Nana and Papa, and Grams and Gramps! I'm nervous about singing a solo in front of everyone, but I'm even more nervous worrying about everybody getting along okay. I get so embarrassed when they say mean things in front of other people.

Sometimes, parents who are still angry and hurt over their separation or divorce don't know how to stop themselves from acting out with the other parent or starting arguments. This kind of public display in front of the child and others is horrifying to children and makes them want to dig a hole and jump in. You might think you are making yourself look better by showing the world and the children how bad the other parent is, but such behavior really makes the children think less of you.

Sports Activities

I really, really want to play baseball! Mom is okay with it and she's even willing to pay without asking for help from Dad. But, Dad says he won't let me play games on the weekends I'm with him, even if Mom drives. If I can't make it to games, I can't be on the team. I used to like spending time with Dad, but I hate it when he won't let me do any of my normal things when I'm at his house. It's not even like we're doing other fun stuff together, half the time we just watch TV. So what's the problem with him taking me to my games and watching me play?

Parenting time is a time for you to parent. That's why it's no longer called visitation. Parenting includes letting your children do the things kids do, like participating in activities outside of school and home. If you prevent your children from taking part in sports or other activities, you might gain some one-on-one time, but you risk damaging your relationship. Then, once they're old enough to choose, they might decide they don't want to spend time with you at all.

You can gain valuable insight if you allow yourself to think like a child when facing divorce-related parenting issues. The voice you hear might sound very different from your own. Hopefully listening to that voice will help you shape the choices you make in your divorce.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC.

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition.