Divorce and The 5 Stages of Grief

We grieve not only for the passing of a loved one, but for any great loss in our lives. When something that has meant a great deal to us ends, it is perfectly natural for us to mourn its passing. After death, divorce is one of the greatest losses a person can encounter. We are faced with the same recovery process after the break-up of a marriage that we would endure with the death of a friend or family member. The five most common stages a person experiences when grieving are:

1. Denial - Initially we may experience disbelief, shock and even panic. We have trouble believing that this can be happening to us, and it feels as if our entire world has been turned upside down. We run through a whole list of "whys", "what if's" and "if only's", questioning ourselves and the decisions we made throughout the relationship. We wonder if there was something we could have done differently, possibly changing the outcome. We may even find ourselves trying to bargain with our ex, or with God, if we can only regain what we've lost.

2. Intense Emotions - As we begin to see that this is reality we are overcome by intense emotions that may include anger, resentment, pain, fear, and even hatred, jealousy and inadequacy if there was a third party involved in the break up. These feelings are normal, and are not to be avoided. Allowing ourselves to experience and go through these emotions is the only way to get past them. On the same token it is important to find healthy, productive ways to deal with and release these feelings. Mishandling them can be detrimental to our own lives, as well as the lives of our children.

3. Depression and Sadness - Again, we've just experienced a major loss. We're sad, lonely, and our self-esteem may have taken a huge blow. It feels as if we're carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, and it feels as if that may never change. We can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and are beginning to fear that this is what our life is going to be from now on. And we truly believe that no one else has ever felt this kind of pain and anguish. Surely, no one else understands what we're going through.

4. Acceptance - With time the pain begins to soften. We slowly start to accept that our lives have changed, and that we survived that change and all that it brought with it. With acceptance the world starts to seem a bit brighter again. It's the feeling of moving from winter to spring. It's a brand new season and we're feeling ready to open ourselves up to all the possibilities inherent in that.

5. Taking Action/Moving Forward - After acceptance, we begin to see new hope and we develop the desire to take action, move forward and experience new things. We realize that our lives are ours and that we can make them over into whatever we want them to be. We begin to dream again, set goals and define what action steps we need to take in order to move into a brand new life filled with happiness, joy, and endless possibilities.

Every one grieves at some point in their lives. If at any point during your journey through grief you feel unable to cope, it's important to reach out for help. A friend, family member, counsellor or coach can be of tremendous help, and may be able to assist you in finding further resources to aid your recovery.

Viki Stanley-Hutchison Life Coach

Life Transitions for Women